After the Fall
by Kindcaidlyn
Summary: Losing Montgomery changes everything...but Kate doesn't remember any of it.
1. Sirens

Kate could hear sirens. She lay quietly in the dark, waiting for them to pass. Why did they not grow distant? She wanted to sleep. She needed to work in the morning. She realized she was cold. She must have kicked off her covers in the night. She shifted to reach for them but her wrist seemed to be caught…

She came fully awake, gasping, thrashing against the restraints of the stretcher. The sirens that had before seemed distant suddenly became deafening. Consuming, overwhelming pain radiated from her core in indistinguishable waves. Unfamiliar voices shouted over her prone form and someone grabbed her wrists, restraining her flailing limbs. She heard herself shriek as panic grasped at her. She couldn't think. She couldn't _breathe._

"Kate! She's awake! Hey, somebody do something, she's awake!" Kate sought out the familiar voice and strained to focus. Warm hands wrapped her face and Kate could suddenly feel the crush of a neck brace against her skin. She sucked in air, and it stung horribly, but her eyes found the pair of blues gazing at her searchingly. She'd never seen eyes that looked so afraid.

"Castle…"she gasped out, and the panic retreated, just a little, as a small-but-genuine smile twitched on his lips. An unfamiliar voice shouted and the face and hands retreated rapidly. The full-blown terror returned en force. _No!_ she tried to shout, but it was barely voiced at all as the oxygen mask obscured her face. There was a sharp sting in her arm and the sirens and the pain and the terror faded into oblivion….


	2. Flowers

Kate could smell flowers, and she couldn't think why. Lanie's May Day bouquet was in a vase in the kitchen, and the roses Josh had given her for her birthday had long ago wilted. She thought about the smell. It was a fairly strong smelling flower, perhaps even more than one type. There was something else, though, some underlying smell the flowers tried to mask. She couldn't seem to open her eyes, so she inhaled deeply in an effort to identify it.

The breath was cut short by a piercing pain in her abdomen and she coughed violently, each movement of her diaphragm sending forth new waves of agony. Something was on her face, and she clawed at it with hands that felt strangely heavy. The oxygen mask snapped painfully on her chin as she managed to shove it down. She flailed weakly against the sheets and looked down at her arms, purple with bruises from the needles. She tried to move her head and failed, straining against the neck brace. Her eyes refused to focus on anything further away than her hands, so she closed them again.

She forced her limbs to stillness, then twitched each finger, one by one. No harm there. She rotated each wrist, slowly, then her elbows to no ill effect than the strange leadenness. She graduated to her shoulders; the left one sent a painful arrow down her side, so she resolved quickly to leave that alone. She did her toes next, and moved up until the pain radiating from her stomach forced her to stillness.

By now her breathing had become laborious, and she felt as if she'd just left a sparring match. To make matters worse, each breath only added to her body's distress as her pain receptors stretched towards overload. She forced herself to take a few small, shallow breaths, then opened her eyes again.

The room looked fastidious, totally unlived in. Sunlight peeked through the slats on the rather dingy blinds, casting strange patterns on the bedclothes and machines whirring beside her. A few ugly green chairs lined the walls, along with a hideous red armchair. Dozens of bouquets lined every flat surface in the room, some of them with colorful cards peeking out of the greenery. One of the many machines she was hooked up to began beeping alarmingly, and Kate realized her breath was coming in short, panicked gasps.

She was totally alone in a hospital room.

And she had no idea why.


	3. Floodgates

The nurse, a young wisp of a girl, barely out of school herself, refused to tell her anything. She restored her oxygen mask and gently slapped away Kate's attempt to remove it again. Kate, too tired to be properly demanding, spent the remainder of the nurse's time in the room inhaling the oxygen and trying to breathe in a way that didn't cause extreme pain. She pushed the utter confusion and panic to a far corner of her mind and allowed herself the indignity of wallowing in the pain and discomfort.

She must have fallen asleep again, because someone was holding her hand. It was an overly warm and sweaty hand, full of callouses. The rough finger pads were tracing nervous circles around her knuckles. It was not a comfortable hand, but it was a familiar hand and she wouldn't pull away even if she could.

"Daddy." She almost didn't recognize her own voice, it was so raspy and breathless. Her lids reluctantly parted and the first thing she noticed was that the light patterns had moved. She squinted against the light in her face and her hand was released as her father rose to close the blinds.

He squeezed her hand again as he sat down. "Hey, sweetheart."

She rolled her head sideways, "They took the neck brace off." Her lips were dry and her jaw felt like lead. It came out totally unintelligible.

Jim Beckett cocked his head sideways. "What was that?" Kate thought about trying again, then snorted bemusedly to herself and settled for drinking in her father's face and the feel of her hand in his.

"How…long…was I out?" she skirted the question really on her mind with something she hoped was a little more harmless.

It would seem not. He sat, not looking at her face, but at her hand, fingers still tracing their nervous patterns. A single tear slid down the cheek she just noticed betrayed an ashen pallor. "Three days," He choked out, coughing into his hand to cover a subtle swipe of the eye. Kate saw it anyway.

She concentrated, and squeezed his hand. It was more of a twitch of the fingers, but it was enough. "Hey…its nobody's fault, okay? I'm here."

The floodgates opened, and Jim Beckett wept into his daughter's hand.


	4. Questions

Kate clawed at the edges of a nightmare, where shadows stalked her and gaping holes opened beneath her feet, threatening to swallow her whole.

She jerked awake, for the dozenth time, the shadows scattering to the corners of her mind, giving way to the pain that compounded with every movement. She forced her shaking limbs to stillness and focused on quieting her breathing, labored yet again from yet another shapeless nightmare.

She made a feeble attempt to conjure up something that made sense from the dream, hoping there would be some subconscious memory. There was something about snow, and running, and Castle flying an airplane, nothing even that ought to qualify as nightmare material. But nothing that actually made sense either. Nothing that told her how she'd ended up in a hospital bed with a bullet through her diaphragm. Some uneasy part of her conscience whispered that amnesia was probably a symptom that the doctor ought to know about, but by her reckoning, losing two or three days of memories to a bullet hole was reasonable enough. She just couldn't bring herself to ask flat-out what had happened, so she fell back on her obviously considerable detective skills.

"Lanie!" she hissed through teeth gritted in a mix of pain and frustration. "Please, please tell me we caught the trigger-happy idiot." That much she'd figured out. There was definitely a bullet hole in her gut. Who put it there and why was somewhat more…fuzzy.

Lanie shifted in her seat by the window and leaned forward. "I was thinking of a few rather more explicit names. 'Fraid not, though. All those servicemen there, and not a one of them managed to nab the bad guy. Got a sketch of him though."

A sketch. So they didn't know who the shooter was? That didn't make sense if it happened on a nab…if she could only remember the damn case! They must have been close-they must have made somebody nervous.

Speaking of they…where was Castle? Lanie and her father had hardly left her alone, Ryan and Esposito had been daily visitors, even Madison Queller had been by, dragging three more of their high-school cohorts. Over half the precinct had visited at least once since she woke up four days ago, but her own partner hadn't shown up once. Neither had her captain for that matter.

Yet again, something she couldn't bring herself to ask about.


	5. Pretending

Things got awkward when Alexis came to visit. "Ashley brought me." She'd announced, though no one had asked. Kate told herself it only felt awkward because Alexis was fully capable of getting around the city herself, not because, oh, say, she was feeling a bit bewildered and hurt by the sudden Castle-hole in her life. He follows her around the city every day like a puppy on a leash, he breaks open her mother's case against her wishes, he saves her life dozens of times, wraps her in his arms as they nearly freeze to death, and holds her hand as they nearly get blown to pieces, but he can't show up to her hospital bed?

_Blue eyes gazing at hers searchingly. She'd never seen eyes so afraid. _The image came upon her suddenly, without warning. Alexis paused mid-sentence and gave her an inquiring look. Kate tried to summon a recollection of the subject being discussed and failed. "Sorry…go on, please." She stammered to the younger girl, turning all her powers of concentration on Alexis.

"No, I should go. Ashley's waiting. It was nice to see you, Detective. I hope you get well soon." Alexis gathered up her purse.

"Alexis…"'

"Yes?"

"…Tell your dad I said hi?"

Alexis bit her lip and frowned, to Kate's consternation, but nodded in acquiescence before she left.

Lanie resumed her place in the chair by the bed. "You could just ask him to come."

"He doesn't need to bother."

"The hell he doesn't. The man calls himself your partner."

"He's a writer, not a cop. It's not his job—"

"Mhm. Do you really think that, or are you just trying to pretend you don't care?"

"I'm not pretending anything, Lanie. If he's got better things to do—"

"Ah! So you do care."

"No, I don't." Kate snapped. "He can do whatever he damn well pleases."

Lanie leaned in close. "Listen, honey. It's been five days and you haven't so much as mentioned him, so I'm going to do you a favor and answer all the questions you should have asked. He nearly took a bullet for you. He bullied his way onto your ambulance and sat through every minute of your surgery without taking his eyes off the door. Then as soon as you were out, the minute you were going to live, he took off. I know you got a lot of other things on your mind, sweetheart, but he won't talk to any of us. Maybe he'll talk to you. Ask him to come." She pulled out Kate's cell phone and put it on the side table. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Kate glowered sullenly until she left the room, then turned her glare on the phone. It glowered back until she reluctantly reached over and picked it up and pressed the speed-dial.

_**A/N:** I hope you don't mind the short chapters...They are the mindless ramblings I create while decompressing after working anywhere from 9 to 14 hrs everyday._

_I know I haven't dealt with the first half of my summary at all, but I do actually have some vague idea where this is going along with some very specific things I want to happen, so bear with me. Everyone is in for a very bumpy ride...  
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	6. Awkward

"Beckett."

Kate wasn't sure what she heard in Castle's voice when he answered the phone, but she knew she didn't like it. She fought the sudden overwhelming urge to hang up then and there.

"Beckett?" She must have forgotten to respond.

"Hey."

"Hey." That sounded better. A bit, anyway. There was still some strange quality… "How are you feeling?" he finally ventured.

"Fine."

He actually chuckled, though it was short and harsh. "Of course you are."

"Actually…" _Actually, I hurt like hell. I can barely move; I can't even sit up without help. Actually, I almost died, and I dream about it every night, even though I don't remember a damn thing. Actually, I miss you. I need you to come see me. Why haven't you come to see me?_

"Actually?"

"It hurts a little."

She heard a low, quick exhalation. "Well, that ain't hardly a mosquito bite."

"Not so much."

There was another long pause.

She searched frantically for something to say. When had Castle ever lacked for conversation? "How's your book coming?"

"I…I haven't been working on it."

"Oh. I thought…"

"Yeah. Focus is...elusive."

She snorted, then coughed as her diaphragm protested. "You? Lacking focus? I'm shocked."

He chuckled for real this time. "You know me too well. "

_I thought so. Now I'm not too sure._ "What's the matter Rick? You lose your muse?"

She hadn't thought it possible for things to get any quieter, but the silence on the other line was palpable now. "That's not funny, Kate."

"I didn't mean…"

"You never do."

"What? I got _shot. _This isn't my—"

"I _told_ you, Kate, I wanted you to _back off—._"

"Castle, I don't even know—"

"They tried to _kill _you and they almost succeeded—"

"_You said_ you were my partner, you said_—" We kiss and then we never talk about it. We nearly die frozen in each others arms, but we never talk about it. So no, I got no clue what we are. _Where had that come from? Was that a dream or a memory?_  
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She could hear Castle's voice, dim in the distance. "Kate? Kate, I'm sorry. Please answer me, Kate." How long had she been silent? "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said—I shouldn't have said any of it. Kate? Are you there?"

"You called me Kate."

"I…Beckett, then. Sorry."

"No, I mean…" _You only do that when you're worried about me. Or mad at me. _"It's fine."

"If you're sure."

She wasn't, but had enough remaining filters not to say so. "So what have you been up too, if not writing?" _Why haven't you come to see me?_

"Oh…I didn't say I wasn't writing…just…not anything useful."

"How's Gina taking that?" _Why_ did she insist on bringing up sensitive subjects?

"She…I got a new agent."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Should have happened a long time ago."

"Isn't that…bad for business?"

"Hers or mine?"

"Um…"

"We'll survive."

"Oh. Good?"

"I suppose so."

She was tired of these awkward silences.

"Please. Come see me."

She hung up before she could hear his reply.


	7. Disappear

Besides Lanie and her dad, Kate's most frequent visitor was Josh. There were the fifteen minute breaks between shifts, or the hour over lunch, and even the occasional evening after a long day. As a doctor, visiting hours didn't apply, and Kate was hardly on anything resembling a normal sleeping cycle. Once he'd stopped by to check on her at 2 am. She'd happened to be awake then, and he'd kept her company until the nurse came in to administer more medication and the drugs knocked her out again. Not a few of the bouquets lining the windows were courtesy of him. He claimed some of them were from patients that left them behind, but if that was the case, they must have been there and gone only a few days, because not a one of them showed a sign of wilting. Of course, Lanie seemed intent on drowning them by watering them at least twice a day.

That day, however, Josh had a strange look on his face as he sat down with the Chinese takeout he'd brought for their dinner.

"Hi." Kate murmured sleepily, having just woke up.

"Hey, you." Josh squeezed her hand, and leaned forward to plant a light kiss on her forehead.

"How was work? Do anything interesting?"

"Meh. Cut people open, sew them shut again, the usual. You?"

"Oh yeah. Took about five separate naps and managed to swallow some soup. _So _interesting. Pass me the real food. Please tell me you got crab rangoon."

"Hey hey hey. You sure you're cleared for solids?" He asked with a knowing grin.

She grinned back. "I don't know. Why don't you ask my doctor?"

"Which one? You have three."

"Four, counting you."

"I don't count. I just bring you food and hold your hand."

"And check my chart and discuss medications for hours on end with the nurses and you checked my eyes the other day _and_ you totally –"

He silenced her with a brief kiss. "Eat your chicken."

"Sweet and sour sauce?"

"Of course. And here's your fried rice."

"Mmm. Oh food. How I have missed you."

"Go slow. You won't be able to eat as much as you used too."

"True. I'm lucky to be able to pick it up nowadays."

"Don't be too hard on yourself. You've come a lot further than most GSW vics would have in this time."

"Well, remind me not to do it again anytime soon."

He didn't respond, and she looked up. He was using his spork to stir his food aimlessly, not looking at her.

"Josh?"

"I know…we never talk about work."

"We just did."

"I mean for real, Kate. Your work. It's okay…I mean…I understand. You deal with this stuff all day. You don't wanna talk about it later. Most days I don't wanna talk about mine either."

She laughed nervously, flustered by his suddenly serious tone. "Josh, look, I-"

"I have to know. What on earth were you doing that would get you shot at by a hit man?"

Kate spluttered and choked on the water she'd just put to her lips. "What?"

Josh looked at her crossly as she continued to choke and put a hand on her abdomen in pain. "At least tell me you don't wanna talk about it. Don't play games—"

"I'm not! What—why do you say—a hit man?" She couldn't quite keep the incredulity out of her tone.

"Lanie told me." His forehead was still creased in anger.

"A hit man—wow. I'm sorry, I didn't kn—didn't tell you."

"Why?"

"Oh, uh, didn't want to worry you—"

"No, I mean, why you? Also, lame excuse. It's my job to worry about you."

She thought she was blushing. "I don't know why me."

"Kate—"

"I really don't. But I'll let you know as soon as I do, okay?"

He sighed, and his forehead cleared marginally. "Really?"

"Really."

He leaned in close and kissed her, and everything else disappeared.

_**A/N: **Okay, Caskett people. Know that I am with you 100%. However, whats interesting about Castle and Beckett is that they are complicated, and the likelyhood of her waking up in the hospital and them just being in perfect relationship is like zero. This is meant to be a character study of both of them, and the reality is that Kate is with Josh right now, and its not for no reason. I'd like to explore some of them for a while. So he'll probably crop up every couple chapters. While the overal tonality of this fic will definitely be Caskett, Josh is just such an interesting complication, I'll probably keep him around for at least a little while. _

_Thanks to all of you who are following this (there are a lot more of you than I expected!) and A Very Special Thanks to those who have reviewed. I think I've replied to all of you...but if I forgot its not cause I don't love you. :D Hope you continue to enjoy the story!  
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_Leila  
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	8. Nightmare

_It was dark and Kate was screaming. _

"_No! Castle, let me go!"_

_His arms only tightened around her as she flailed uselessly, deprived of focus and direction by confusion and exhaustion. She needed him to let go, she need to go back, go back _now._ She fought to hold on her anger, not to give way to the despair that threatened to overwhelm._

"_Let me go! Please!"_

_He said nothing, but he did not let go. He never let go. Why couldn't he let go?_

"_Rick…please…" _

_He just couldn't let her go. And now the despair swallowed her whole and she was breaking, melting, falling into darkness._

Kate struggled with the nightmare for what seemed like hours, the same images and emotions repeating themselves over and over. She passed slowly from sleeping to waking, and finally wrested her eyes open to see the subject of that selfsame nightmare sitting before her, looking at her uncertainly.

She couldn't help feeling the residual fear and anger that had been so prevalent in the dream. "What did you _do?_"

The uncertainty in his face changed to puzzlement and hurt. She felt guilty instantly.

"Nevermind. I was having a…nightmare."

He gave that harsh, bitter laugh. "Can't stop offending you even in your sleep."

He was angry, and she didn't know why. "It was just a dream. You startled me."

"I know. Dreams are like that." She studied his face, and realized he looked as if he'd been sleeping about as much as she'd been awake. Which was not a lot.

"I'm going to be okay, you know."

"It shouldn't have happened at all."

"This comes with the territory, Castle. You didn't sign all those waivers three years ago for nothing. That was a fraction of everything I signed when I got into homicide."

"This wasn't just another case. This was personal, and you know it."

She didn't know it, actually, but she filed that piece of information away for later.

Castle sighed, and changed the subject. "When are you getting out of here?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Not soon enough."

He gave a small smile, and the clenching of her heart eased. "And work?"

"I can do deskwork anytime I want. Detective work will be…later. I'll have to pass a physical and a psych exam.

There was another silence, but it wasn't awkward so much as expectant. Castle was chewing his lip thoughtfully, with a look that said he was turning something over in his mind before speaking. Thinking before speaking was not a typical Castle-trait, and it made Kate nervous.

There was a knock on the door.

"Ah. The dynamic duo." Castle commented with an uncertain smile.

Ryan returned a grin, but Esposito only raised an eyebrow. "Where've you been, bro?"

"Oh…you know…around." He tried to wave it off, but managed to look guilty anyway. "Any leads on the shoo—the guy?"

"Neither hide nor hair of him," Ryan put in. "Sketch came up neg, and we don't have any suspects to match it too."

"You check sniper certifications?" Kate asked, excited that someone was finally discussing the case where she could hear them.

"First thing. Not a one of them pops."

"Well, he wasn't a very good shot," she mused aloud, and Castle scowled at her darkly.

"See, we've been talking about that," Ryan did his little weight-shifting bounce and looked at Esposito.

"We don't think they want you dead."

Castle choked disbelievingly. "That's ridiculous—"

"How do you figure that?" Kate cut him off.

Esposito gave Castle a withering look and then turned his focus to Kate. "If they wanted you dead, they'd have blown your brains out," he said bluntly, "not just rearranged your organs."

"It's a stomach shot, see." Ryan continued. "Messy, extraordinarily painful, highly debilitating, and scary as hell."

"Tell me something I don't know?" Kate tried not to be snappish and failed.

"It takes longer to bleed out." Esposito got to the point. "Dead cops cause investigations and cover ups. Seriously injured cops get scared and incapacitated. Especially when they're the investigating officer."

"Don't get me wrong, you could have died. But if they wanted to be absolutely sure you were dead...that was not the place to do it." Ryan added.

"Those guys _love_ covering stuff up." Castle put in.

"Yeah," Ryan said, "but there's two problems with killing Beckett. One, if she dies, someone else gets assigned her case, and they just have to start all over. Second, that would make this a serial case, and then the FBI gets involved. Don't want that either."

"Lockwood wanted her dead." Castle insisted. "He tried to kill her."

Kate's lungs felt deflated. Lockwood did _what?_

Ryan looked at the floor. "A lot of other things maybe. Probably not dead." Castle turned positively gray.

Kate couldn't remember ever feeling more bewildered. _What did I get myself into?_

_**A/N:**__ I'm intentionally being really vague about Kate's hospitalization and healing process. Mostly because I have managed to avoid hospitals myself and have no idea how any of it works, and also because it's not actually important to the story. Hope it doesn't detract too much.  
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	9. Distance

She'd waited for what felt like forever for Castle to come, and now that he was here, every minute was an excruciating compilation of anxiety and bewilderment. A dark rage practically seeped from his pores, covered by a façade of cynicism she'd never seen in him before. Who was this dark creature that sat before her now? She needed her sunny sidekick back. No, not sidekick—partner. She needed her silver lining, but now he looked like she was the one who'd taken it away.

Ryan and Esposito had gone back to the precinct, and Castle had been studiously casual. Too casual.

"Look, just spit it out, already." She'd said into the suffocating silence two minutes after the door clicked closed.

A smirk appeared, tinged with something old and familiar. "I didn't think you were the gum-sharing type, Beckett."

She rolled her eyes. "Okay, okay. Keep your spit to yourself. But—"

"You sure? I got some great spit swapping techniques…" An odd looked crossed his features, but it vanished, and now he was settling into their old modes.

"According to who? Your toothbrush?" So was she, apparently.

"It wouldn't know."

"Tell me you're kidding."

"Of course. Twice a day. How else would I keep my dazzling grin?"

"Don't flatter yourself."

"Can I flatter you?" He stood and swept her a bow worthy of the Queen of England and kissed her hand gallantly.

Unfortunately it was her left arm, and he pulled just a little too far. She inhaled sharply and saw spots.

He had his back to her when she could see again. "Castle?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine."

He wasn't looking at her, and he was back to not talking.

"Please, come back and sit down. I want—I want to talk, and laugh. Like we used too." It wasn't even that intimate, and she felt naked saying it.

He gave a small smile and did as she bid. "I guess this is as good as it gets," he offered with a shrug, and Kate felt more distant than ever.

"So…you're not going to tell me what's eating you?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you would make an excellent nagging wife?"

"You did, I believe."

"Huh. I'm a smart man."

"I'm serious, Castle."

"So am I. I don't want to talk about it."

"Then quit taking it out on me."

"What? I'm _not—_"

Kate snapped. "You're angry and defensive, and you don't seem particularly keen to explain why. I am in pain and in a really bad mood right now, so if you're not going to be forthcoming, then just _get out._"

He looked as if she'd slapped him. "You asked me to come."

"Before I knew you were going to sit there throwing your own pity party."

"I'm not pouting, if that's what you think."

"What are you doing then?"

A series of thoughts crossed his features too quickly for Kate to catch. He got up and started pacing. "I hate this. I hate fighting with you. It blindsides me every time."

"I don't want to fight. Please. Just tell me what's going on with you."

He leaned heavily against the door and looked longingly at the handle, as if contemplating his escape. "Last time I did that that you told me we were through. I'm still not sure we're not."

She felt a chill go through her. "And you believed me?" What she wouldn't give to remember what had happened…

He turned and looked at her reproachfully. "I always believe you, Kate."

"Whatever I said…I'm sorry. Just please…don't leave me again." Damn pain meds. She was losing filters faster than she could put them up.

She looked up, and he was shaking his head slowly. "You were right. I am angry. I'm angry at the bastard that shot you. I'm furious with the conspiracy behind all this. I hate myself for not being able to stop this. And….I'm angry that you couldn't back off when I asked you too. I'm sorry too, Kate. I just need some time."

Kate was still blinking in astonishment when the door clicked shut behind him.


	10. Breathe

Richard Castle couldn't breathe.

She'd looked so small in that hospital bed, so frail, so unlike the strong, invulnerable Kate Beckett he'd come to know—and indeed, love.

Which he'd told her. Had she heard? Did she remember? She couldn't have. She would have said something. She would have beaten him to a bloody pulp. He _wanted _her to beat him to a bloody pulp. He wanted her to stalk off and ban him from the precinct again. _Anything_ would have been better than this terrible not-knowing and not-talking.

Of course, not-talking was their own brand of normal.

Rick had fantasized for months about how he would tell her. He'd known since the moment he kissed her. Heaven knew how long it had been growing in him, but that was when he _knew._ He was head-over-heels gone on her. And once he knew that, knew it like he knew how breathe, it was inevitable that he would tell her. He'd come up with every scenario, realistic and outlandish, from a candlelight dinner to blurting it out in a hallway at the precinct. He'd imagined every response, from a passionate make-out session to a slap across the face, nails and all. He thought he had imagined every scenario in which it could go right—or wrong. He could count on one hand the number of times he'd had the words on his lips only to get a brick wall in his face. Josh was one, right next to dirty bombs and freezers.

Of all the dozens of ways it could have train-wrecked, this was by far the worst.

Well, that wasn't quite true. She could have died. _Not thinking about that._

They had _told _him she'd listen to him. Her father, Montgomery, they said he was the only one who could talk to her, who could make her walk away, who could save her life._ What else could I have said? What did I do wrong?_

When she had called him, he'd picked up on the second ring. _Always_ he'd promised her, and yet here he was hiding from himself. The guilt was overwhelming. Even more consuming was the guilt for not stopping that bullet. _It should have been me._

"_Please, come see me." _He hated that sound in her voice. He hated himself more for causing it. He'd practically locked himself in his room until the visiting hours the next day and then forced himself not to just run all the way to the hospital. Of course, then he'd stood outside for twenty minutes wondering why his feet had turned to lead and his lungs to stone.

They'd fought twice in the two hours he'd been there. He'd almost made her laugh once. It didn't used to be that hard. It used to be as easy as breathing. He'd crack a joke, she'd hit him and then smirk when she thought he wasn't looking. Now…now it was difficult. Awkward. Now she frowned first and barely smiled. Now laughing was painful, and not just metaphorically.

He loved her, the woman who couldn't laugh. He could have saved that laugh, and he'd failed. She could have saved herself, and she'd refused. The difference between how things were and how they should have been was a gap wider than his mind was able to bridge.

He couldn't handle being with her right now.

It was the only way he could keep breathing.


	11. Alone

It was Friday night, and Kate's hospital room had reached maximum visitation occupancy. Lanie and the boys, Jenny, Alexis, and Ashley, and a few other officers of the 12th who'd brought a deck of cards and a smuggled in a six pack. Not that Kate was allowed any. She sipped at the smoothie Alexis had brought her, trying not to wish she was at home alone with her wine, book, and bath.

Officer Karpowsky, upon being introduced to Alexis, had beamed and asked after her father. Kate had never seen the girl so unintelligible. "Oh, uh, he couldn't make it. Book…stuff. You know." She waved a hand vaguely and gave a nervous, tight-lipped grin. Esposito and Ryan were very firmly _not looking. _ Karpowsky, shooting Kate a bewildered glance, was careful not to mention the writer again, and the other officers followed suit.

"Wait till you meet the new Captain, Beckett." Officer Whitman called out as he dealt the next hand of cards.

Kate choked on a chunk of strawberry. "_What?"_

"Yeah, they installed Captain Gordon Craig this morning. Nice guy, but a bit of a control freak, based on the last coupla weeks as acting captain—" he went on, but Kate was barely listening. She'd mostly pushed the quandary of what-on-earth-happened to the back of her brain, intending to sneak a peek at the reports when she got back to the precinct. But this…

It was a stupid question. One driven by fear and confusion and desperation. "So when is Montgomery going come visit then?"

The room went utterly silent. Esposito shot to his feet, something dark in his face that made Kate's stomach knot in on itself. "You're going to joke about this? Really?"

Lanie was already moving. "Okay, have a lovely evening, folks, see you all on Monday." Half a minute later, Alexis and Ashley had been ushered out, followed by a quartet of officers who had just stepped in something far deeper than anticipated.

"Javier, you stay. Ryan too."

"I'll wait outside." Jenny murmured as she pecked Ryan on the cheek and gently shut the door behind the abrupt exodus.

Lanie drew up her chair to Kate's bedside and reached for her hand. Kate jerked away and Lanie saw that wide-eyed look that screamed for flight. "Tell me what you remember."

"What do you mean? I got shot—"

"Don't you lie to me, Katherine Beckett."

Kate was staring around in a panic that Lanie rarely saw in her typically cool and collected best friend.

"Look at me, Kate." Lanie drew her gaze back. "Just tell me what you know."

"Okay…." Kate closed her eyes. A headache throbbed behind her temples. "Thursday…it was Thursday. I spent all day doing paperwork so I wouldn't get behind when I went to see Lockwood…"

Lanie was looking at her. "And?"

Kate was blinking back hot pinpricks. "That's it."

"Oh, sweetie."

"You don't remember anything?" Ryan asked.

Kate hesitated, troubled by the memory of her recurring nightmare. "There's…something. Maybe."

"Go on." Lanie said softly.

"I don't even know…it's probably just a dream."

"Tell me, Kate."

"It's dark…so dark…Castle is there. I don't _want_ him there, but he won't leave_._ He wants me to go, but I _can't_, I just can't, I need to go back and its dark and I can't _breathe…_I can't…"

"Shh, honey, okay. That's enough."

"What happened, Lanie? Where's Montgomery?"

"Sweetheart, it's probably better to hear the whole story—"

"I need to know."

"It's not a good idea."

"_Tell _me."

Lanie said nothing, and Kate _knew_.

"He's dead, isn't he?"

"Kate—"

"No. No, you tell me what happened, you tell me the truth. Who did it? Lockwood? Did he shoot me too? Castle was there, he must have been. Roy's dead—" Kate's hands clenched in her hair.

"_Captain, please, just listen to me. You don't have to do this."_

"_This is my spot, Kate. This is where I stand."_

"—hear me? Kate?" Lanie was reaching for the call button.

Kate blinked and grabbed her hand to stop her. "I'm here."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. I'd like to be alone, now."

"I can stay—"

"No. Lanie, I'm fine. I promise. Please go."

"Katie—"

"_Leave_ me _alone._"

Lanie gave her a long, hard look. Kate met her gaze and held it. "Okay." Lanie conceded. "Okay. Promise you'll call me if you need me." Kate nodded shortly and waited for the door to close behind them.

Only then did she allow the tears to fall.


	12. Reason

"Castle? What are you doing here?"

"I—I heard about—" Castle looked red-faced and out of breath, like he'd just run up all six flights of stairs.

"Are you serious? I _told_ Lanie not to tell you—"

"And yet she did anyway. Maybe because that is _totally_ unreasonable—"

"I'm not the one being unreasonable—"

"Why would you keep something like this from me?"

"I'm not keeping anything from you, I just didn't want Lanie going around announcing to everyone that my brain is a total wreck—"

"You just said you told her not to tell me."

"Because I knew she'd run to you first!"

"And why shouldn't she?"

"Oh, I don't know, maybe because I have a father, and a boyfriend, both of whom might like to know before _you."_

"Well, thank you for putting me in my place."

"Now who's being unreasonable?"

"Kate, don't you push me away—"

"_Me _push _you_ away? _You_ walked out on _me_."

"I'm back, aren't I?"

"It doesn't work like that. You don't get to just walk away and then come back whenever you feel like it."

"We're doing it again."

"What?"

"Fighting."

"No kidding?"

"I _promised_ myself we wouldn't do this anymore. At least not while you're—" He gestured vaguely to the bed and tubing that seemed to swallow her frame that had before seemed long and lithe and now just seemed frail.

"So much for that."

"It only takes one to start a war."

"So you're blaming me, now?"

"I'm not blaming _anyone_, I'm just saying—"

"What are you saying, Rick?"

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry."

Kate opened her mouth to speak and found she couldn't. Castle sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, and there was a long silence, thick with regret and unspoken words.

Kate took as deep a breath as she could manage and pulled her temper under control. "I didn't want her to tell you because—because I wanted to tell you." He looked at her askance. Her voice was low now indeed, weighted with vulnerability and pain. "I want you to tell me—everything. Tell me what I've lost."

His face said he was abashedly surprised but his eyes held grief and pain. "Why?"

"Reports—reports are too cold. Too…impersonal. And…with the Captain…I need to hear it from someone…someone who knew him."

"Ryan and Esposito knew him longer than I did."

"You're my partner, stupid. You're probably the one who knows the most about…everything."

He faked shock in an attempt to lighten the mood. "I've been waiting for you to realize that I do, in fact, know everything."

She couldn't help but smirk a little before getting serious again. "Castle…no flowery stuff. Just the truth."

"There's nothing flowery about this story, Kate." She felt something like an electric shock go up her arm as he suddenly clasped her hand. "And it doesn't have a happy ending. Are you sure you're ready to hear it?"

"No," she whispered huskily, in a sudden fit of honesty, "but I don't think I ever will be. And…anything is better than not-knowing." She thought she saw him flinch at the last phrase, but maybe it was just a solemn nod.

"You remember taking down Lockwood, right?"

She nodded and tried not to blush at the sudden memory of their spontaneous make-out session. "I went to interrogate him every week. I remember everything up to the end of the homicide of that beauty contestant. And…I know about…I know the Captain…" She choked on the words and Castle squeezed her hand in futile comfort.

Castle was quiet a long moment. "Roy Montgomery was a man of action, and a man of honor. He was captain, mentor, and friend. And—" He stared directly into Kate's eyes—"He died a hero. So begins—"

"I said no flowery stuff, Gandalf." She tried to keep her tone light but her voice was sharper than intended.

"I'm not being flowery, I'm paying respect. Hush."

She set her teeth and glared at him.

"Please, Kate. Let me do this my way."

She settled back against her pillows and allowed him to clench her hand tighter, realizing it was as much for his comfort as hers.

"So begins the tragedy of the Twelfth Precinct."


	13. Tragedy

_**A/N:** Sorry for the tardiness of this update...does it help that its three times as long as anything else? This is a direct continuation of the last chapter.  
><em>

* * *

><p><em>Roy Montgomery was the best captain in the Twelfth had ever seen. He'd been promoted to captain fifteen years ago, the youngest in a century. He was smart, committed, loyal, and just a damn good cop. He excelled in whatever he put his hand to—from his time as a traffic cop to his stint as a homicide detective with the highest percentage of solved cases in the five boroughs. When he became Captain, he established himself quickly as a firm superior and fair judge. Roy Montgomery was a good man. Yet, it seemed, he could never quite escape the shadows of his past. <em>

_Roy trained many cops in his day, but the best was indisputably Kate Beckett—_

"I'm not the best." Kate interrupted.

"You are. Montgomery said so himself."

"He did?"

A shadow crossed Castle's face. He smiled gently at Kate's worried look. "Yeah. He did."

_Roy trained many cops in his day, but the best was indisputably Kate Beckett, who went on to outdistance even his statistics as a homicide detective. They were the best and the brightest, and they gathered around them a team of people every bit as brilliant as them. There was Javier Esposito, tough and dependable, street smart and a warrior at heart. His partner, Kevin Ryan, loyal to a fault, quick on his feet, and possessed of enough charm to make any politician jealous. And of course, Lanie Parish, the brilliant forensic analyst, who defies that "dead men tell no tales" and yet can brighten up any room just by being in it. And Richard Castle, writer, consultant, and crime-solving extraordinaire; charming, brilliant, and—_

"A pain in the ass."

"That too."

"Is this going somewhere?"

"Eventually."

"Continue, then."

"Yes, ma'am."

_Together they solved crimes and put criminals behind bars. Together they brought justice to victims and their families. But, people are made of pain and suffering as well and joy and happiness, and we all have skeletons in our closets and mysteries veiled in darkness. Our heroes were no exception._

_Roy Montgomery first encountered Beckett one night when she was still a rookie, long after everyone else had left for the day, huddled in a dark records room with a flashlight, pouring over a file well beyond her clearance. He could have written her up then and there, no questions asked, but that wasn't the kind of man Roy was. He discovered that the case file was her mothers, a murder with a trail long cold, and he saw Beckett's determination and fire, and he knew, it was his duty to make her the best detective he could, and to protect her as he sh—as well as he could. _

"He told you about that?"

"Shush. You're ruining the flow."

"There's a flow?"

"Well, not anymore, thanks to you."

"Sorry."

_Years went by and nothing new turned up on her mother's case. Then, one day the killer struck again, and all hell broke loose. What had originally been deemed random violence suddenly turned into a terrifying conspiracy the scope of which no one could fathom. But justice was on their side, and Beckett caught a piece of the puzzle, an assassin by the name of Hal Lockwood. For months, he refused to cooperate, or to speak at all. Beckett visited him every week, staring down the devil, waiting for him to crack. Then, it happened. _

_The devil blinked. _

_When Beckett arrived on one of her weekly visits, she found that Lockwood had been transferred to General Population—_

"You're not serious." Kate was intrigued now, sitting up a little straighter, breathing a little shallower.

"As a heart attack."

"Did he make it to McAllister?"

"I'm telling a story!"

"Castle!"

"You found him over the body, covered in blood."

"Damn. He never would have talked, would he?"

"Not likely. It was his job to silence the people who would."

"Everywhere we turn, we get cut off at the knees."

Castle flinched. "Don't say it like that."

"I thought Lockwood escaped?"

"Not till his arraignment."

Understanding dawned in her eyes. "Smart. Harder to get in than out. Who helped him?"

"Don't know. Coupla guys dressed in stolen uniforms. Set off a flashbomb and had a helicopter waiting."

"A helicopter?"

"Stolen and returned before anybody knew it was gone. We only found it 'cause you managed to get a few shots off and the owner noticed the damage."

"How the hell did Lockwood get into General Population anyway?"

"Ryker."

"Chuck? No way."

"Lockwood got to him through his financials, then put a bullet in his brain."

Kate blamed the medication flooding her system, but suddenly there was an intense pressure behind her eyes and she bit her lip and clenched her palms until they ached. "Ryker….I knew him…"

"Hey…hey…uh, maybe, maybe, uh, maybe you should rest for a while…uh…isn't time for a nurse to come in or something…"

Kate rolled her eyes and swiped at her cheek... "Grow up, Castle."

"Maybe we should save the rest for later."

"No. I want to get this over with."

"But Kate…it only gets worse from here."

"I know. I'm fine. Go on."

Castle hesitated. "Your dad came to visit me."

Kate sat straight up. _"What?"_

He sighed heavily. "He…he was worried about you. So was I. Everyone was. You were getting lost, Kate, you were…slipping, and I just—"

Kate's face was suddenly a mask. "Castle, you're here to tell me what happened to Montgomery, not give me a psych evaluation."

"Alright. Alright. Well, we knew that Raglan and McAllister were working with a third cop, possibly the one who was calling the shots the whole time, or possibly the one Lockwood escaped to assassinate."

"Plug up all the holes."

"Exactly. We were going through files from Raglan and McAllister and I noticed that one of the names had been whited out and overwritten—physically, on a typewriter."

"The third cop. Covered up."

Castle was being quiet again, and not looking at her. "I don't know if I can do this, Kate."

She merely tightened her grip on his hand. "Are we there already?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry…I didn't think about how this would be for you. Were you…there? When it happened?"

"Yes. No. Sort of. So were you…but not." She stayed quiet, and he took a deep breath and gathered himself. "Montgomery called me. Said Lockwood was going to kill you. Said he had a plan, that he could save you, that he could save us all. I should have put the pieces together then, I should have known…I could have known. But…I didn't want to see…I didn't know he was going to use you as _bait,_ I swear I didn't, if there's one thing I cannot forgive him for, that's it. Out of all of it…"

"Rick." She called him back softly from whatever dark place he had just gone.

"Right." He shook himself. "He called, told me to meet him at the hangar where they found the chopper. He promised if I did what he said, nothing would happen to you. He made me swear…I swore on your life…so I hid, like he asked. You drove up barely two minutes later, walked in…when Roy pulled out his gun I almost couldn't..."

"Castle, you're freaking me out. Just spit it out already."

"He was the third cop, Kate. He was a rookie, working w/ Raglan and McAllister; the undercover agent was an accident, but it was his gun. He turned it around after that, put everything into the job, but it was too late…some bigwig had found out and instead of turning them all in demanded all the ransom money himself. He didn't kill your mother, but it was part of the fallout of that first cover up—"

"_Sir, I forgive you. I forgive you." _

"_Castle, get her out of here."_

_"No! Castle, let me go!"_

_His arms only tightened around her as she flailed uselessly, deprived of focus and direction by confusion and exhaustion. She needed him to let go, she need to go back, go back now. She fought to hold on her anger, not to give way to the despair that threatened to overwhelm._

_"Let me go! Please!"_

_He said nothing, but he did not let go. He never let go. Why couldn't he let go?_

_"Rick…please…"_

_He just couldn't let her go._ _And now the despair swallowed her whole and she was breaking, melting, falling into darkness, and Rick held her as she fell, bore her up in the darkness where she couldn't breathe, tried in vain to gather the pieces even as she flew apart. His face was the only face in the world because the rest had passed into the abyss where she could not find it. The gunshots in the distance were like electricity to her broken limbs and the deafening _bang_ of her captain's service weapon was the final snap in her rapidly unraveling life-line. Then it wasn't Castle anymore but Roy, and he was already going stiff and cold, staring at her with lifeless eyes. _

"Kate?"

A terrible fury was churning in her gut. "_What_ did you _do?_"

"What?"

"It wasn't a dream. You took me away. Lockwood was coming and we left him there to _die." _

"We didn't have a choice—"

"There's always a choice. I'd made mine, and you _took_ it away from me."

"You would have died with him Kate. How could you expect me let that happen?"

"Because it's _my _life. Not your personal playground."

"Seriously? We're going to have this _exact_ same conversation again?"

Kate was jolted out of her tirade. "Really? We've done this before?"

A particularly sour look crossed Castle's features and he sagged wearily. "Yeah. And made up again too."

"Oh. That's…a strange feeling."

"Tell me about it."

"So…how did we do it the first time?"

A small smirk with a hint of his old mischievousness appeared. "You apologized profusely and bribed me with chocolate."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Uh huh. Really."

"Yup." The smirk grew to a grin and he whisked something from behind his chair. "But I brought it back. Really, Kate, you should know better. I'm deathly allergic to coconut."

Kate laughed. Really, and truly laughed.


End file.
